Every good magician relies on the tactic of perception becoming reality. You perceive magic has occurred so, for the purposes of the audience and magician, it has. Albert Einstein was quoted as saying that “Reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
I would contend that the number one enemy of effective interpersonal communication is the failure to understand the “perceived reality” of the other party in any conversation. We tend to assume that the “reality” we are experiencing is the same “reality” as the other person in any conversation without even questioning that assumption.
Here are a few causes of “reality disconnect” and some suggestions on how to avoid them.
1) Poor Listening- In the blog “Top Three Reasons for Failure to Communicate” I covered this topic in greater detail. When we can understand a conversation at a rate of speech in excess of 600 words per minute it sets up a bit of a dilemma when most people talk at a rate of about 150 to 175 words per minute. It makes active listening much more difficult and we tend to jump to conclusions about what the other party is saying due to our impatience with the pace of listening. I suggested some tricks to help you to stay engaged in the blog referenced above but the bottom line is, stay focused on the conversation and don’t allow your mind to wander.
2) Familiarity- One huge cause of “reality disconnect” is familiarity. The better you know the other party in a conversation the greater the likelihood is that you will just assume you know EXACTLY what they are talking about. Have you ever found yourself finishing the sentences of your wife or significant other? Sometimes you may correctly assume you know what they are saying but you may be completely wrong about what they MEAN. Dictionaries define words but the people using them assign them meaning. The only way to make sure your familiarity is not causing you to miss their unique meaning is to ASK!
3) Your Personal Communication Filters- Everyone hears and experiences everything that happens to them through their own set of filters. We begin shaping those filters when we are very young based upon fears, biases, needs, values, past experiences and numerous other factors. If you don’t believe me listen to two children recount the situation that led to a disagreement and you will be amazed that you are even listening to a description of the same event! We tend to experience our conversations, and what is being said, through our own set of “operating reality filters” and often completely miss the point of the other party in a conversation as a direct result. The best way to avoid this problem is to simply remember that it exists, and then make sure to ask a question or two to clarify what is being said from the “operating reality” of the other party. I wrote about this phenomenon in greater detail in the blog “What Are Your Odds?”
In the movie Casino, the Robert De Niro character Ace Rothstein had a great line, “Listen to me very carefully. There are three ways of doing things around here: the right way, the wrong way, or the way that I do it. Do you understand?” In any interpersonal communication it is always imperative to understand what that “third way” is for the other person. That is where their meaning lies and that is the perception of reality you need to understand in order to have more productive communications.
Chuck Terry is the Executive Vice President and CSO of Carew International and is regular contributor to Carew’s blog – Executive Insights
Carew International is a leader in sales training and leadership development; specializing in comprehensive, proven training programs for sales, sales management and customer service excellence. For over 30 years, Carew has earned its reputation of delivering increased productivity and profitability to our valued clients world wide.
